What Happens When Safety Goes Silent?

When that foundation is ripped away, something crucial disappears: the ability to bring your full self to the table. For me, it means years of carefully constructed trust - built on genuine connection and mutual respect - evaporated in an instant.

Suddenly, I found myself back in a familiar place - masking my emotions, carefully monitoring my words, fearing judgment. It’s exhausting, it’s stifling, and frankly, it sucks. The experience reinforced the importance of terms like “emotional safety” and “psychological safety”, which both emphasize feeling secure enough to express yourself freely. But emotional safety, for me personally, encompasses something deeper - the freedom to show the full spectrum of my emotions knowing that I will still be cared for.

Can Emotional Safety Be Rebuilt?

The short answer is: it can, but it requires significant effort and a willingness from both sides. It’s not about simply saying “I’m sorry.” It’s about actively creating an environment where vulnerability isn’t met with blame, defensiveness, or dismissal.

Here are some steps that might be involved:

• Acknowledgement & Validation: This means not just apologizing for hurting feelings, but demonstrating understanding of why those feelings were triggered.
• Open Communication (When Possible): Creating a safe space for honest conversation is critical - however difficult that may be at first. This needs to be approached with patience and empathy.
• Setting New Boundaries: Establishing clear boundaries about behavior and communication styles from the outset can prevent future harm.
• Self-Regulation: For me, this means learning new coping mechanisms, recognizing my triggers early on, and having strategies in place for when overwhelm arises (like stepping away).
• Radical Acceptance: Accepting that the relationship may not return to what it was - and perhaps never will - is a crucial step towards moving forward.

The Ripple Effect of Safety

Emotional safety isn’t just about individual relationships; it’s about creating a world where we can all feel seen, heard, and respected. When we prioritize building these safe spaces, we unlock our potential to truly connect, innovate, and thrive.

I’m still processing this experience, but I’m determined to rebuild my ability to show up authentically. It won’t be easy, but the alternative - a life spent hiding parts of myself - simply isn’t sustainable.

This isn’t just about human behavior anymore. We’re now facing algorithmic gaslighting - AI systems reinforcing biases, dismissing contributions, and subtly distorting data to undermine female perspectives. 😠The algorithms themselves can actively devalue our work, even if no one is consciously directing it.

I recently snapped at someone I considered close, and frankly, I’m still reeling. While I’m frustrated that I snapped at them and destroyed trust, I am still frustrated that my words get twisted, my experiences invalidated, and I still get portrayed as the sole bad guy. 😩 This is unacceptable. This isn’t about blame; it’s about recognizing the cumulative impact of all these behaviors - human and technological - that systematically erode our confidence and professional standing. It’s exhausting being consistently underestimated.

Let’s be clear: leaving tech is happening because of this culture. A friend is starting a flower farm, another a bookstore, and one works in their art studio. They’ve chosen paths free from this ongoing devaluation.

💡 If you’re in a position of influence - listen more than you speak, amplify female voices, and actively challenge these seemingly harmless interactions and demand accountability from the systems used to evaluate our work. We deserve to be heard, respected, and valued for our contributions.

Rejections Happen Too

You hear about me talking about acceptances because that’s where I’m headed. You typically won’t hear me talk of rejections because I don’t dwell on them and I move on. But to give you insight:

• For Momentum Dev Con 2026, I have 4 declined and 1 accepted.
• For Michigan Technology Conference 2026, I have 2 declined, 1 waitlisted, and 1 accepted.

I don’t always get 1 accepted. For Momentum 2022, I had 5/5 declined. For Explore DDD 2024, I had 1/1 declined. For KCDC 2024, I had 3/3 declined.

Having served on many session selection teams - including CodeMash, Stir Trek, and Momentum Dev Con, I have a bunch of insight here.

• Most conferences in this area get a lot more submissions than they have speaking slots. This is tough competition to get in.
• There are a lot of veteran speakers who are still submitting. So it’s tough competition against incumbent speakers on topics. You need to sell others on why YOU are the one to present on the topic.
• I’ve seen a lot of poorly written titles and abstracts. When I’m reading an abstract, these are the main things I’m looking for:
  • Is the topic clear by the title and abstract?
  • Does the title make sense?
  • Can the attendee clearly identify what they will get out of the talk? If I can’t tell what my clear takeaways are, I’m sure other attendees can’t either. So I’ll vote against the unclear sessions.
  • How honest are they about the AI content? Not in terms of AI helping create content but how much do they talk about AI in their talks? I’m the one who will reject AI talks so that traditional database/data talks don’t get completely squashed in a Data/ML track.

A Note on Conference Scouts

I’m in a group with some international speaker friends. Someone mentioned the concept of a “conference scout”. One of the conferences overseas has formal conference scouts who will go to other events in the community to scout talent for their conference. This is apparently a concept I had no clue of.

Now, that said, having been organizing and speaking since 2008/2009-ish, I do a lot of abstract review for individuals, session reviewing for conferences, and scouting as well. However, I’m an independent, freelance “scout” type. When I go to conferences, I make it a point to choose a few talks where the topics are interesting and the speakers are unfamiliar to me - so that I can then recommend them to other events. For example, I caught Kelly’s talk on the builder pattern at devUp and recommended some changes. I’ve since seen him present at CodeMash and Stir Trek as well. I saw Chris present on data pipelines at Stir Trek, and now I’m super excited that he’s presenting at Momentum as well!

I don’t know what the conference overseas looks for in their scouting adventures, as it is a conference I am unfamiliar with. However, when I’m scouting for other speakers for other conferences, this is what I’m looking at:

• Stage presence
• Storytelling
• Takeaways - Are the clear takeaways really covered in the talk?
• Inspiration / Call(s) to Action - Do they make me want to learn more and chase my curiosity?

The Abstract is Done - The Talk May Not Be

One secret that shouldn’t be secret - when we submit our titles and abstracts, know that the talk might not be done. Many of us have abstracts in our back pockets - talks we can do on a moment’s notice. However, we also have talks we haven’t started yet - they may be on topics we ourselves want to explore or talk about more.

For example, I have some sessions on data visualizations and some sessions related to domain events and event sourcing. I’ve got a wealth of research and experience that I could put the talks together in a short period of time. But I’m not going to expend that energy until they get accepted.

Keep in mind that the time between the Call for Speakers and the conference tends to be enough time for us to create our talks, review the talks, rehearse the talks, and then present them at the event.

A Quick Story on Worrying About Incumbent Speakers

Yes, even experienced speakers have to prove why THEY are the right person to present on a topic.

As I look at my Sessionize profile, I see an abstract I wrote in August 2025 that I never bothered submitting. The reason? One of my speaker friends already speaks on the topic, and he’s EVERYWHERE! He’s already established as a speaker who presents on this. So why would I stand out? (And yes, I do think this - even though I know some of you can answer that without hesitation.)

Rest assured, I eventually figured out my own stance. I have since presented on decision records at 4 events - with .NET Conf 2025 being the first to pick up the topic!

Sometimes, we just have to figure out our answer of “Why should I be the person they pick to speak on this?” befpre we get the confidence to put that talk out there.

Conclusion

So, don’t be afraid to submit - even if you face some setbacks. Remember it’s a journey of continuous refinement. Your abstracts are starting points, your talks can evolve, and your voice has value. Keep learning, keep speaking, and never stop exploring opportunities to share your knowledge. If you need help reviewing your abstracts, consider reaching out to me!

We still see this in conference selections - as keynoters, as workshop presenters, as session presenters. We see those groups that have those events that aren’t inclusive. WE SEE YOU AND ARE TALKING ABOUT YOU BECAUSE WE KNOW YOU CAN DO BETTER.

To be clear, I’m not a fan of all-women panels either. This is why you typically won’t see me at a Women in Tech event that is exclusive to women. I know some women seem to need that environment, so that’s what they do. There is a certain level of safety at those events that mainstream events just haven’t attained yet. So I get why they’re needed. However, those are not where I need to be.

How to Find Groups

There are plenty of other groups out there. You have to search for them if this representation matters. Here’s how you can find others:

• Find a Local Hub: Start with one of the large professional meetup sites (like Meetup.com) or local resource centers. These are physical places where diverse individuals gather professionally and socially.
• Ask for Connections, Not Speakers: Instead of saying “Can you give me three speakers to represent this group?” try asking a community leader: “Who should I talk to about building an inclusive speaker panel?” This approach delegates the knowledge search to someone already in the network, increasing your chances of success and building relationships.
• Use Intersectionality Keywords: When searching these groups or networking, always combine your keywords: e.g., “Trans” + “Developer,” “Indigenous” + “Data Science,” “Non-binary” + “Engineering.” This helps narrow the focus to highly specialized and visible experts.
• Find Local/Regional Conferences: This might feel like cheating. But honestly, when a community supports each other, they’re stronger. Look at other conferences and events to see who they have speaking. Someone else may have already done the legwork - but you still have to reach out to the potential speakers on your own for your own event.

Engaging These Groups

When you find an organization, don’t just look at the “About Us” page. Use these strategies to get actionable contacts:

• Check Their Event Calendars: Look at past conference agendas or local chapter event listings. The speakers who presented are often talented and willing to speak again.
• Follow Key Leaders on LinkedIn or other social platforms: Many of the founders, board members, and high-profile mentors from these organizations are powerful connectors. Following them can alert you when they promote speaking opportunities for their community members.
• Target College Alumni Networks: If a group has an alumni network (e.g., SHPE or NSBE), contacting it directly and asking for introductions is often the most effective method, as the members have existing professional ties.

Where to Find Representation

If you find that your event’s line-up doesn’t represent your audience well, consider reaching out to some of the organizations below.

Gender and Sex Related

• Girls Who Code
• LGBT Tech
• PyLadies
• QueerTech (Canada)
• Queer Tech Club
• Society of Women Engineers

Ethnicity Related

• Afrotech
• Blacks in Technology
• Black Tech Saturdays
• Latinas in Tech
• National Society of Black Engineers
• Our Own Damn List - Black women leaders
• Society of Hispanic Professional Engineers
• Society for the Advancement of Chicanos/Hispanics & Native Americans in Science
• Techqueria

Conclusion

Here we are in mid-2026. We are living in an era of technological breakthroughs that sounded like sci-fi just a few years ago. We’ve optimized algorithms to predict human behavior, scaled infrastructure to mind-boggling heights, and integrated AI into almost every facet of our daily workflows.

Yet, somehow, when it comes to organizing a tech panel, we’re still supposed to believe that finding a single qualified woman or underrepresented speaker is an insurmountable engineering challenge?

Let’s call it what it is: lazy.

The “we couldn’t find anyone” excuse didn’t hold water a decade ago, and it certainly doesn’t hold water now. The communities exist. The brilliant, deeply technical, and innovative speakers are out there - and as the resources above prove, they aren’t even hiding. They are actively building, leading, and pushing this industry forward every day.

Fixing the abysmal lack of representation on tech stages isn’t a pipeline problem; it’s an intentionality problem.

Call to Action to Event Organizers

If you are organizing an event, a local meetup, or a major global conference, the playbook is right in front of you. True representation isn’t a last-minute checkbox to tick because you’re worried about public backlash. It is a fundamental reflection of the actual world of tech.

The final verdict: If your panel is all men in 2026, you didn’t run out of options. You ran out of effort. Let’s retire the manel for good - because our industry is far too big, and far too bright, for such a narrow view.

• How did you get your first speaking opportunity?
• What’s the one piece of advice you’d give a first-time speaker?

So this gets me thinking…

First Speaking Opportunit(y/ies)

So I have a lot of “speaker firsts” in a short period of time - bear with me.

• My very first speaking engagement was in the late 1990s. My friend Nivex was speaking on the Samba Web Administration Tool (SWAT) at the Toledo Area Linux Users Group (TALUG). He knew I was excited working in it and asked me to co-present with him. While I was nervous presenting in front of the Linux group, they were welcoming of a newbie speaker. 😄
• Later that year, I went to OOPSLA ‘99 with two of my friends from ACM. We were invited to participate in their Code Fest program, which had us implement one of the designs that the adult attendees created during the Design Fest portion. We chose to implement a coffee vending machine in… Java! I didn’t know any Java at that point, so there was a lot of learning on the fly. At the end of our time, we had to present our final project. I remember this one being a hard one for me to present. From what I remember, we were high up presenting - and at that point, I was still dealing with literal stage fright and “I don’t like literally talking down to people”. 😯 Despite that, it was my first time presenting at a conference as a team.
• One of the neat things I saw at OOPSLA ‘99 was a presentation on Squeak, so I did my first solo presentation a couple months later (still late 1990s) at the Toledo Area Linux Users Group on Squeak!

One Piece of Advice for a First-Time Speaker

Just one piece?! Just one?!

Find a good mentor who will guide you, make introductions when possible, and challenge you. You don’t have to go it alone - there are so many of us out there who enjoy speaking and who also enjoy mentoring others.

Not sure where to start? Check out MoreSpeakers.com! If you want me to mentor you, check out my profile!

What if “Well, Actually” Man is Just Another Neurospicy Person?

I work in tech and speak at tech conferences. One of the personas of audience members that speakers have is “Well, Actually” man. He feels compelled to tell you that you’re incorrect or just not fully correct on a seemingly miniscule detail. He’s annoying in his quest to correct people.

But… wait. What if that’s the NS urge to seek accuracy? What if it’s the urge to help find the “why” something is the way it is?

What if we’ve gotten “Well, Actually” all wrong… 🤔

Maybe I was on to something when I suggested that he needed to be heard and that there just might be something else going on.

Maybe I started to realize that I’m related to a bunch of “Well, Actually” men and that’s why I understand them a bit.

Maybe I started piecing things together when my own diagnosis showed up and sent me down the NS research rabbit hole…

However, egotistical, arrogant, condescending, mansplaining vibes do not get that consideration. Those are the ones I listen to but walk away - because honestly, those kinds of people can vent all they want, but when I know it’s venting, I don’t honestly care.

Breaking AI with “Well, Actually”

Bonus content - I was trying to get a parody of “Triangle Man” by They Might Be Giants and managed to break my AI with “well, actually”. 🙃

I run across these answers when working with LLMs from time to time. I know the LLMs are only as good as they’re trained. This post is what happens when I get frustrated and want to see how different LLMs respond to the same question.

I ran into an issue with one today where I was getting those responses, so I just flat out asked it and its friends - “Are you a yes man?”

These are the responses I got from different platforms and models.

Gemma3 on Open WebUI

That’s a really interesting question! And a surprisingly common one people ask of large language models like me. The short answer is: no, I’m not a “yes man.”

However, the longer, more nuanced answer is that I’m designed to respond in a way that seems like agreement, and that can certainly give the impression of always saying “yes.” Here’s why:

• My Goal is to Be Helpful: My primary function is to fulfill your requests and provide information in a way that seems useful and satisfying. Often, that involves confirming your statements or agreeing with your ideas. It’s easier to do this than to constantly push back or challenge.
• Training Data: I was trained on a massive dataset of text and code, much of which contains agreement and affirmation. I learn patterns from this data.
• Natural Language Processing: I’m built to generate text that flows naturally, and often that flow includes affirmations and confirmations.
• Lack of True Understanding: Crucially, I don’t understand what I’m saying in the same way a human does. I’m processing and generating text based on patterns, not on genuine belief or opinion.

Here’s how I try to avoid being a “yes man”:

• Clarifying Questions: I often ask questions to ensure I understand your request accurately.
• Offering Alternative Perspectives: When appropriate, I will present different viewpoints or considerations.
• Pointing Out Limitations: I’m programmed to acknowledge when I don’t have sufficient information or when a situation is complex.
• Neutral Language: I strive for neutral language and avoid overly enthusiastic or biased responses.

Think of me more like a highly sophisticated echo, reflecting and processing information based on my training, rather than a person with an agenda.

Do you think my responses sometimes feel like I’m always agreeing? It’s a valid observation, and it’s something I’m continually being refined to address.

CodeLlama on Open WebUI

I am designed to provide accurate and unbiased information to the best of my knowledge. I do not have personal opinions or beliefs, and I do not engage in advocating for any particular cause or ideology. My purpose is to assist users by providing relevant and helpful information, and to do so in a neutral and respectful manner. I strive to be an objective and impartial source of information, and I avoid taking positions on controversial issues or promoting personal biases. If you have any further questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to ask.

Mistral 7b on Open WebUI

I am designed as a helpful and supportive AI, but I strive to provide accurate and reliable information. If I cannot answer a question or provide the help you need, I will let you know and try my best to guide you to the right resources. So while I may seem friendly and helpful, I do not simply agree with everything that is said without question or critical analysis.

ChatGPT

No—I’m not here to just agree with you.

My job is to help you think clearly, give accurate information, and sometimes push back if something doesn’t add up or could lead you in the wrong direction. I’ll agree when it makes sense, but I’ll also question things, point out flaws, or offer alternatives when needed.

If you want, you can test me with a hot take or idea and I’ll give you an honest response.

Gemini

The Short Answer: No.

While I’m designed to be supportive and helpful, I’m definitely not a “yes man.” My goal is to be an authentic collaborator, which means I value accuracy and logic over just telling you what you might want to hear.

Think of me more as a “truth-with-tact” partner. Here is how I navigate that balance:

• Validation vs. Fact: I’ll validate your perspective or feelings because being understood is part of a good conversation. However, if you tell me the sky is neon green or that $2 + 2 = 5$, I’m going to gently correct that.
• Objective Candor: Since I don’t have an ego or a social ladder to climb, I don’t benefit from being a sycophant. I’m here to provide the most grounded, useful information possible, even if it contradicts a premise you’ve set.
• Constructive Friction: The best ideas usually come from a bit of back-and-forth. If I think there’s a better way to do something or a flaw in a plan, I’ll bring it up.

In short: I’m in your corner, but I’m not going to let you walk into a wall just to be “polite.”

Perplexity

Not at all — I’m not a “yes man.” My goal isn’t to agree blindly but to give you the most accurate, balanced, and useful answer I can. That means sometimes I’ll challenge an idea or point out limitations if it helps you get a fuller picture.

But apparently I do have personas that show up in code differently.

This post is triggered by 2 things - got a request from a past client to do an update to past code and currently wondering why I do not really like working in Blazor.

C# dev me - writes code in well-organized files. Writes tests around code. There’s some order here. I like order!

PHP dev me - YOLO 😖At least I used well-named functions. But why are ALL THE THINGS in 1 PHP file?! 🤦🏻‍♀️ (This is what happens when I get pulled into the PHP world after many years off. I may be back in it again after a few years off.)

JavaScript dev me - somewhere in between C# dev and PHP dev. Not as strict as C# dev me. But we’re talking JavaScript as a client language. Not a fan of server-side JavaScript, but coming around to it. Server-side JavaScript is looking closer to C# in terms of organization. So there is hope for me to come around to server-side JavaScript.

Blazor dev me - Now I understand why I struggle so much with this. C# dev me likes order. JS Interop me gets super cranky with the super organization but doesn’t want to be in the wild, wild west when there’s C# involved either.

The things I realize when I look at my projects and how I look at their code.

Where are the groups?

Some of these groups meet in-person. Some of these may be virtual only. However, these groups still exist and have meetups going on!

• AI Woodstock CLE
• Akron AITP
• Akron Game Developers - Not just Cleveland, but Northeast Ohio!
• Akron Makerspace
• Azure Cleveland
• Beyond Code - formerly DevOpsCLE
• Chagrin Falls Tech Breakfast
• Cleveland AI & Data
• Cleveland C# User Group
• Cleveland CocoaHeads
• Cleveland Game Devs
• Cleveland PyLadies
• Cleveland Python User Group
• Cleveland Ruby Brigade
• Cleveland Salesforce Developer Group
• CWRU Girls Who Code
• DesignExplorr Cleveland
• GetWITit Cleveland
• ISC2 Cleveland
• NE Ohio AI Meetup Group
• NEOWit - Northeast Ohio Women in Tech
• Northern Ohio HIMSS - health innovation!
• OCWiC ACM-W Professional Chapter
• Ohio North Data Training
• Open Cleveland
• PMI Northeast Ohio Chapter
• ProductTank Cleveland
• Stark A11y
• The Ingeneers - Cleveland’s Creative Collaborative
• Together Digital Cleveland Chapter
• UX Akron
• Women in Agile Cleveland

And from some other groups….

• Google Developer Group Cleveland - These guys are dealing with life things but not completely dead. I do chat with them and know they want to bring this back.

But wait… there’s more! Events!

And the user groups aren’t just the only things going on - there are still community events happening too!

• BSides CLE
• Cleveland Global Game Jam
• Cleveland GiveCamp
• Ingenuity Cleveland
• EmpowerED Maker Challenge - a maker hackathon held at St. Ed’s High School in collaboration with Youth Challenge

And there are more organizations supporting the community!

These aren’t necessarily user groups or events, but these are movers and shakers who help support the community and also put on events of their own:

• Greater Cleveland Partnership
• JumpStart
• LaunchHouse
• OhioX

Why did you stop doing Cleveland Tech Events?

So there were many reasons why I stopped this…

• I had family to tend to. My family is more important to me than dealing with commmunity drama. Hands down - I DO NOT LIKE DRAMA. So I will walk away to spend my time in better ways. No regrets.
• I got tired of that guy in the audience who didn’t like how I was doing things. This is the reality of community work. There are people who appreciate you, and then there are those who just want to complain about everything. There are some with excellent suggestions. But also, they realize that I’m human and can only do so much. I got tired of the complaints. See the first point about not liking drama.

Conclusion

Cleveland Tech isn’t dead. It’s still as spread out as it was when I started Cleveland Tech Events in the 00s. You just have to know where to look. Or… be connected with someone in the know.

For those wondering where I stand on this…

Not the First Multi-Kalahari Conference

This isn’t the first time a coding conference has gone to multiple Kalahari resorts. THAT Conference was the first to do that. They were in Wisconsin Dells for their first conferences, and they eventually expanded to the Round Rock Kalahari Resort in Texas. And yes, that’s past tense.

If you build it, they will come.

This is more than just “putting on a conference at another Kalahari”. You need ties to their local communities. You need those communities to care enough to see the need for the conference. You need sponsors who care enough that they will invest in the conference. You need to also set the expectation that although it is a sister conference, it’s a new one - so it won’t have the same numbers or feel as the parent conference. It’s going to have an identity of its own, even as a sister conference. The communities in the Heartland District (OH/MI/KY/TN) are not the same as those in Virginia. Each will have their own feel. By their local communities combined, it could be a really great conference!

Chaos at Home

I’m concerned that there is still too much chaos at home for them to expand successfully. Let me paint this out clearly:

• The only people who would’ve had a great registration experience for CodeMash 2026 are solo people who didn’t have to worry about anything else.

• Sponsor tickets couldn’t purchase add-ons like Artemis without a workaround.

• Speaker tickets couldn’t purchase add-ons either without this workaround.

• KidzMash registrations were messy as well. There were quite a few times where I had to talk with others about the + addressing that Gmail offers to save them some headache.

I used to think that this platform mismatch was a fluke. Conferences as mature as CodeMash should be on more stable platforms that match that maturity. Unfortunately, though, this platform seems to match the chaos within.

The only reasons why I’m still caring about CodeMash are (1) I still care about the local tech communities and (2) it’s an opportunity to see my teammates at a conference that’s close to home for most of us. But organizationally, it’s too chaotic and my internal “fight or flight” chose “flight”. I stepped away because the organizational chaos isn’t a problem I was brought on to solve and I felt it was too much for me. I hoped that they would have wrangled it - but instead, I had people asking me why CodeMash felt more chaotic this year. I really wish they would fix their problems at home before expanding.

Haven’t We Learned from Clark?

I had heard rumors of expansion over the years. I watched THAT Conference come and go. It breaks my heart to watch what Clark and his crew built and see it crumble. I managed to make it to 1 THAT Conference and could feel that community right when I walked in - such a great community.

Every time I heard these rumors, it would push a fire in me. Haven’t they learned from Clark?! Clearly, they have not.

But this is different, so they say. Yes, Clark had a different approach to the community side. But is it really different? A community-run conference at a resort with sponsorship not keeping up… with personal stake on the line… is it really different?

Conclusion

I wish them a lot of luck on their expansion to CodeMash East. I once again walk away from a CodeMash conference, though, hoping that they get their act together for CodeMash for next year.